I. Feel. Great.

Big turn around from yesterday... If anybody reading this had to interact with me yesterday, they know it was not fun. Simply put, it was one of those days where something could easily put you in a good mood, but the whole world decides not to. Just a plain old bad day.

And then today... well today was a totally different story. It was like nothing could put me in a bad mood, and nothing even tried. For so many reasons, today was great. I feel like I'm on top of the world.

And so it got me thinking... maybe its those really bad no-amount-of-coffee-can-make-me-hyper days that makes the days like these all that much more amazing. For example, what if today had happened without the badness of yesterday. Would it feel the same? Does sugar in the middle of a meal taste less sweet then sugar eaten directly after salt?

Regardless, it tastes sweet. And I'm loving the taste.

The Book That's In My Backpack?

On The Road. By Jack Kerouac. 

And of course, it's fantastic. It's like Howl told with a different voice. From a different perspective. And I really love Howl. Especially since I saw the movie, which was so incredibly good.

I've been putting off reading more of the Beat generation mostly because I don't have time, but partially (I suppose) because I'm afraid I wouldn't like it. And there is a part of On The Road that doesn't captivate me quite like Howl did (does?). Not every line resonates with that awe-inspiring.... I don't know. That feeling when your heart just tingles just the right way after the voice in your head reads the line. Perfect example:

"But then they danced down the street like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

Only Keroauc could make a run-on sentence so poetic. Reading work from the Beat generation allows me to live vicariously through people who have long since lived their life. It's so magical. They all have lived their lives and made stories and (thank god) written it all down. And now, I get to live in their shoes, at least a little bit. I mean, look at them. Who wouldn't want to live in their shoes?

Ginsberg                                              Kerouac

People talk all the time about escaping into a book, but I can't do this most times. Kerouac I can read in random lobbies of collegiate buildings. 

The Beat generation is so exhilarating. It's such a contradiction though. I mean, as I understand it, people were disdainful of this group. This ragtag group who wrote and smoked and drank and had sex. Who published things with obscenities whose very merit was questioned in court. But as much as they were held in contempt in their time and told that they didn't contribute anything to society, they ended up contributing so much. Ask any english teacher. The Beat generation contributed something inarguably awesome (as much as that word is over-used now, I mean it in the absolute sense of the word: filling me with awe) to the field of literature. 

p.s. If you're ever doubting that Kerouac truly embodied (represented?) the Beat generation, just google search "beat generation"....

"Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You"

The title of this post is a quote from "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen", a hypothetical (but never actually given) commencement speech written by not Kurt Vonnegut (as was rumored) but by Mary Schmich, a columnist with the Chicago Tribune in 1997. Later it was voiced by Baz Luhrmann.

If you haven't listened to it, here it is: Click me!!!

Anyway, on to Doing Scary Things.

I've been listening to this more and more and that particular line always sticks out to me. So I've been making an effort to push myself a little more and also to notice when I do things that scare me. And I think I've been doing a pretty good job of it. Now in my opinion, if you do one thing every day that scares you, you'll just be neurotic. But 4 days a week? That's doable.

So this blog post will be a forever changing chronicle of the things I have done day-to-day that have scared me.

11/2- Getting filmed. And standing my ground with a teacher...

11/3- Can't remember.

11/4- Field show for marching band. It always scares me, every time, but it's worth it.

11/5- Huge baby shower where I only knew 4 people.

11/6- Open house. (scared of doing something wrong). Also Krylon-ing the canvases because I was afraid of ruining them.

11/7- Welp. Transporting the canvases. Taking the train from Newark instead of Wilmington. Walking to the dorm building solo. Surprising him (so many things could go wrong!). Walking in the city in general (cars are ruthless and fast).

11/8- Watching Glee (klaine....) With my papa. (not super scary, but still)

11/9- Blood drive. And Jazz band. (The latter is by far the scarier)

okay so obviously this has been abandoned. It was a nice thought though...

Keep in mind, I'm not talking about gotta-go-change-my-pants scared or anything like that. I'm just talking about the day-to-day fears everyone has. And seeing if I really do one thing every day that scares me. It's a bit of an experiment I suppose.

The video's worth a watch too...

A Post During The Writing Of Which My Opinion Changed

Forever reaching but never quite grasping. This is how I feel when I blog. Because I blog when I have a thought, or at least a notion, some feeling or a vague hint in my brain at something more. But more often than not I can’t quite grasp it.

I’m a hypocrite I guess. It annoys me to no end when people blog about things that seem to be so very far beyond their grasp. Or even very close but still beyone their grasp, I suppose. Like if someone introduces a concept and doesn't take it further than the very obvious. It's what I do all the time, but it still gets me.


But perhaps it is truly necessary for us as humans to do this. Or if not necessary, then at least in our nature. I suppose most of what we do is driven by the longing to fully grasp that for which we are reaching. Be it religion, or traveling, or friendships, or sports, we are constantly trying to move upward and onward, towards better things. Or simply different things, as it were. 


And so we reach. And reach. And, as F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "It eluded us then but that's no matter-tomorrow we will run faster, stretch our arms farther." 
In light of that, I suppose these reaching-but-not-quiiiiite-grasping blogs are a necessary jumping-off point. They tone our minds, expand them to fit new and different ideas. Kind of like how you can't run a 6 minute mile without a little practice first, no matter how infuriating that practice is. 

        

Infinity? (Jul 2nd, 2011 9:54pm)

Soo  I was about to make a post about how the feeling of being "infinite" has come up in both Paper Towns and in Perks of Being a Wallflower. Going to get the exact quote from Paper Towns, I find an entire Nerdfighter forum topic about this exact thing.

"Radar revs the engine as if to say hustle, and we are running through the parking lot, Ben's robe flowing in the wind so that he looks vaguely like a dark wizard, except his skinny legs are visibly, and his arms hug plastic bags. I can see the back of Lacey's legs beneath her dress, her calves tight in midstride. I don't know how I look, but I know how I feel: Young. Goofy, Infinite." (254)

This quote also ties into the whole feeling infinite thing:

"When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."

— John Green (Looking for Alaska)

I'm m not a together enough writer to make all of this focused on one point..... food for thought I guess. :)

Halloweeeeen. (Oct 31st, 2011 10:05pm)

How old is too old to trick or treat? (Read: How old is too old to have fun). No, I do believe that there is an age that is "too old". And I think I've just now reached it. But that in no way means that I'm going to give up the ghost (ba-dump-chhh) and stop dressing up. Halloween parties abound!

That said, I couldn't imagine a better last Halloween. I felt young, I felt goofy. And I'd sure say at times I felt infinite. I really don't think anything can compare to laughing with friends. And it was nice for a change to have no romantic tension floating about and killing the friend mood. I mean, as much as I wanted my K to be there, it was better this way. No one stuck with just one person, everyone had fun, everyone laughed. 

And another thing I realized today: I don't ever have to worry about looking like a guy. I was dressed like Clark Kent, the manliest reporter for the Daily Planet. His chiseled good looks, cleft chin, horn rims, and signature tie make him the epitome of MAN. And yet people called me cute. People who had never seen me before. I really don't have to worry about these things.

And I think I'm finally getting to a place where I'm okay being friends with J again. Like real friends. Yes, things still hurt. Yes, things still make me cry. But it will be okay. I have all my wonderful friends. I have K. And J and I didn't stay together that long because we were incompatible. So it's good we're getting to be friends again.

It's a wonderful day to be alive.

I think a lot of what I'm feeling right now stems both from my love of Love and from my yearning to feel infinite. With my friends around me, my face flushing from the cold, the bag of candy slowly growing heavier, I fall in love. I fall in love with life. I fall in love with all the things that make my life what it is. With my friends, who inspire me and are my motivation for a lot of what I do, with my life, which is more perfect than I give it credit for, and with my parents, who gave me all of this. And infinite-ness (it's my blog, I'll make up words if I want to). I'm in love with that feeling I suppose. 

Perhaps Love and Infinite-ness are intrinsicly intertwined. When you love things, feelings, and people, you feel infinite. Because in those moments, you have something that feels so overreaching and powerful that it can't possibly end, can it? 

Hope I did all of my random thoughts justice.... :)

I Am So In Love With The Concept Of Love (Oct 2nd, 2011 3:44pm)

James Joyce said it right: "Love loves to love love." Don't breeze through that quote like I know you just did. Re-read it and actually try to understand it. Read it like this: Love. Loves. To love. Love. Better?

Love: the essence, the intangible force. It loves. Not only does it simply love. But it lovesto love love.

Think about it too much, and you'll get so drunk on words you won't be able to see straight anymore.

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I love the feeling that comes with Love. That you are so happy nothing can ever, ever go wrong. There's a completeness about it.

And don't judge or assume. I'm not talking about sexyboomboom love, or even love with a boy (necessarily). Just the feeling of devotion. The feeling of yes I will play volleyball 7 hours a day and in the breaks lay in my room with icyhot all over my body because I LOVE this sport. The feeling of yes I will train myself for a couple seasons because I LOVE 100m hurdles. The feeling of yes I will send Nutella to my friend or text 7 people good morning every morning because I LOVE my friends. The feeling of yes I will go to the bathroom 9 times before lunch, kill all the spiders, and play knee tag with the kids who aren't going to the bathroom because I LOVE my job.

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That collective love, including all those loves I mentioned up there and so many more, is the reason that I keep going. The reason that I get up in the morning not only willing but excited just to be alive.

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Don't get me wrong, there are bad things in my life. I still have to reconcile myself with the whole J situation before winter session. I'm not perfect, and I will always be mad at myself because of that. But there are so many more things GOOD in my life. So many that I couldn't ever list them all.

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"Love loves to love love." -- James Joyce, Ulysses.